ARE YOU GUILTY OR GUILT TRIPPED?

By Tiffany Walker

I’ve run into interesting conversations with people where they claim they were horribly guilt tripped from an acquaintance, but the funny thing is that after they explained the situation it was clear to me they weren’t getting guilt tripped at all, but rather called out on something they were actually guilty of doing and too overwhelmed in their lives to admit it. So it got me to thinking that no one knows the difference between being guilt tripped and being actually guilty; in turn relationships are actually damaged because people are in denial of actions they’ve done that have hurt someone, or a project, or whatever it may be.

I personally had a situation with a girlfriend where I was accused of guilt tripping her after a message I’d left. On the message I inquired how she was, wished her boyfriend a happy birthday, and then said I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t heard from them (they hadn’t returned a call from a previous message I had left a month earlier,) but I hoped they were okay. I wasn’t bitchy on the message, just wondering what happened. All of a sudden I’m a guilt tripper who is inconsiderate of their busy lives. I immediately apologized for something that was interpreted on her end, though I wasn’t quite sure what I said that computed into a guilt trip. And although she said she had never gotten the message I was referring to, she showed no concern that I didn’t know that end of it when I left the supposed guilt trip message. The fact of the matter was that they hadn’t returned my phone call in over a month, and what was I supposed to think? After all was said and done, her accusation hurt. It was as if she used the guilt trip term falsely to displace the facts, and reverse the heat of the matter onto the person that was genuinely concerned about what happened, making me question the friendship.

So what’s the difference between guilt and a guilt trip??! Guilt, per the American Heritage Dictionary, is: 1. The fact of being responsible for an offense. The word stems from the old English word, “gylt,” meaning crime. Very interesting that it says, “the fact,” and that the word itself, means crime. This means that one should only being feeling guilt if they truly DID do something wrong. As for the true guilt trip, often a frequent activity for some mothers and religious institutions (ie: Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt,) it is a combination of one trying to impose a set of rules, obligations and fears upon you (sometimes their own personal needs,) that are put in such a way to make you think these fears/obligations are now your responsibility as well. This spawns a feeling of wrong doing, or crime, and thus guilt--a guilt that isn’t yours to bear. THAT is a guilt trip: a manipulative ploy; an imposed reality that doesn’t really exist.

Basically, if you’re irresponsible and/or negligent, and someone calls you on it then that is guilt. If someone is pulling something out of their ass to make you feel lesser than, and push you into a position to do something for them, then they’re taking you on a trip. A word to the wise: guilt tripping should pretty much be impossible if you know where you stand in your personal responsibilities versus what your friends, work relations, or religious institutions want you to be responsible for. And as far as friendships are concerned, as hard as it is to admit to have done something wrong, the repercussions will last a lot longer then just apologizing and making amends the best you can.

Previously Published: IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

Dress For the Men You Want, Not For the Boys You’ve Been Getting.

By Tiffany Walker

Is it Valentine’s Day and you haven’t a Valentine to meet the day’s criteria? Well, maybe you should re-think your technique at attracting others. Consider the idea of the old saying: “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Well, what if you applied that to men (or whatever sex you’re after,) and dress for the men you want and not for the boys you’ve been getting? Sounds a bit obvious, but have you really ever sat down and thought about why you aren’t with the love of your life, or moreover why you attract what you do? My belief is that if you start dressing the part, the part will come to you.

I stumbled upon this concept one evening when I made plans to go out with some other single girlfriends. I wasn’t sure what bars we were going to hit, but I knew I wanted to feel a certain way when I left the house and that was my focus. The only outfit that called to me was this 50’s skirt, perfect black heels with ribbons, a wife beater, a little black ribbon as a choker and fake diamond earrings. I know, a bit retro and dressy, but when I put it all on I felt sexy and confident, and well, the way I wanted to look. Little did I know the destination that was decided upon was a bit of an Irish dive bar, and my friends were all in jeans. Yes, I had apprehension over not really matching my friends’ wardrobe, and not necessarily looking like the average bar hopping kind of girl, but I kept remembering that my outfit matched who I feel I am deep down when I shut out the society chatter of what is “cool,” and the outfit embodied who I would like to be more often. If I was dressier then everyone else then screw it—I felt perfect for me. With this confidence in mind, I forgot that I was wearing something “wrong,” and just sort of went with it.

The evening had a slow start with me standing in a sea of neo-hippie-grunge Hollywood-ites, but lightning struck when I was approached by someone that didn’t look like anyone else there… and this is what led me to my belief. He actually looked like my other half—appearance wise. And although he was on the young side, he was smart, sophisticated and witty like I like ‘em. The kicker is that it was my skirt that encouraged him to come over and make it the focus of his pick-up line! When I took a moment to reflect--most commonly known as a trip to the bathroom-- I was thinking about how I was actually feeling bad just moments before about how none of the neo-hippie-grunge wannabes wanted to talk to me—how stupid could I be??? I didn’t even want a neo-hippie-grunge boy, I want what I actually ended up attracting…and this is something that doesn’t normally happen. I normally would’ve shown up in the cliché trendy bar clothing, and end up having to weed out boys through meaningless, exhausting chit-chat just to get to the point where we both realize we aren’t a match. This approach of “dressing for the job you want,” so to speak, cuts to the chase. And there you have it. A new way of going out: Dress for that person you actually WANT to talk to.

When I left that evening I definitely took stock of my new findings. It may sound easy, but dressing the part requires multiple layers of thought than just throwing on clothes that make you look hot. The basic idea is that when you dress to go out you must make some decisions about who you are deep down, of course what clothes you feel most comfortable in and really make you feel like “you,” and lastly, you also want to think about what person you envision on your arm when you are this more focused you. This may take time before you get the hang of really exuding who you are and what you really want for yourself through your clothes, and thus attract that, but it will be well worth the time.

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED: IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE