Silence Is Louder Than Words.

By Tiffany Walker

With all the noise and chatter in this world, there are times when a silence can be louder than any cacophony happening around you. There is good and bad to silences, as there is to anything in this life. When you come upon a good silence, there is nothing else like it. That silence that allows a moment to truly exist as it sinks into all your senses, and the action of talking would make you miss something. Whether it be the silence that lets you know you are being listened to and cared for, or that feeling of love you see in someone’s eyes when they look at you and nothing has to be said. Conversely, the bad silences can unexpectedly stab you in the back and leave you for dead. There is the silence that comes from someone you care about after you have been honest and forthcoming about a matter. The silence they choose to “speak” rather than give their thoughts in return. Or what about the lover that turns to silence when moments arise where they could let you know how they feel about you, how they appreciate you, or how they support the person you are, whether it is in words, or in a note, or text, or email. I’m not speaking of the act of one blowing smoke up one’s ass, or a lover having to constantly validate their partner for psychological damage control purposes. I am referring to the simple act of verbalizing and letting a person, a lover, or family member know how they are regarded and appreciated. Whether it is a quick statement of affection after a good conversation, or a random comment of appreciation in passing after doing something nice for the other.

So many types of silences--so many things said. You can be left speechless yourself by trying to figure out what the various silences really mean, and of course one must keep in mind that sometimes there is no meaning to a silence. It could just be you that is sensitive for whatever reason. But it is the pattern of silences by your significant other, where things can become tricky and you must decide if this friendship, or lover, is worth you always giving 110% of yourself with no thanks, or being open and loving without reciprocation.

In those cases when a silence really has left you hanging out to dry, ears burning to hear some sort of reply, you may resort to filling in the blanks for the other person. You essentially start Mad Libbing, if you will, the silences and the people who make them in order to make sense out of a given situation. These efforts may be able to alleviate some of your frustration of being left hanging by someone you care about, and maybe it can bring you some sort of understanding of your lover or friend giving you the silent treatment. You may even feel compassion for the person if your Mad Libbing brings you to realize that maybe the parents did a number on the person, where kind words and affection were scarce. Or maybe it was a previous lover (or many) that spun this person to the point of shut down. Maybe it is believed that making no effort of response or giving limited forms of affection is best, because if you give too much you may actually feel something. The only problem with filling in the blanks is that all of these things could‘ve happened, or not. It is all just speculation, you aren’t telepathic (much to many a woman’s chagrin), and you are still in the situation of being left hanging by someone you care about more than they care about you, otherwise they wouldn’t have left you hanging.

It was argued with me once how “Actions speak louder than words.” The person touting this age-old adage was rebutting his own silence, letting me know that words aren’t as important as an action. I concurred that words can be misleading and I have been duped many times by empty, meaningless words, and actions are indeed important and a big telltale sign of one’s intent. But what I contend is how the action of not speaking and giving of oneself through verbal connection, is in itself an action. One can be glib and proud all they want of their silence, but bigger damage can be done when the bonds of friendship or a loving relationship aren’t supported with kind words, or reciprocated efforts of sharing each other’s thoughts and feelings. When it is all said and done, or rather, not said, you get what you give. The giver can’t give for the both of you forever, and will eventually give up. And the silent one will protect himself right out of a companion. Again, you get what you give.

ARE YOU GUILTY OR GUILT TRIPPED?

By Tiffany Walker

I’ve run into interesting conversations with people where they claim they were horribly guilt tripped from an acquaintance, but the funny thing is that after they explained the situation it was clear to me they weren’t getting guilt tripped at all, but rather called out on something they were actually guilty of doing and too overwhelmed in their lives to admit it. So it got me to thinking that no one knows the difference between being guilt tripped and being actually guilty; in turn relationships are actually damaged because people are in denial of actions they’ve done that have hurt someone, or a project, or whatever it may be.

I personally had a situation with a girlfriend where I was accused of guilt tripping her after a message I’d left. On the message I inquired how she was, wished her boyfriend a happy birthday, and then said I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t heard from them (they hadn’t returned a call from a previous message I had left a month earlier,) but I hoped they were okay. I wasn’t bitchy on the message, just wondering what happened. All of a sudden I’m a guilt tripper who is inconsiderate of their busy lives. I immediately apologized for something that was interpreted on her end, though I wasn’t quite sure what I said that computed into a guilt trip. And although she said she had never gotten the message I was referring to, she showed no concern that I didn’t know that end of it when I left the supposed guilt trip message. The fact of the matter was that they hadn’t returned my phone call in over a month, and what was I supposed to think? After all was said and done, her accusation hurt. It was as if she used the guilt trip term falsely to displace the facts, and reverse the heat of the matter onto the person that was genuinely concerned about what happened, making me question the friendship.

So what’s the difference between guilt and a guilt trip??! Guilt, per the American Heritage Dictionary, is: 1. The fact of being responsible for an offense. The word stems from the old English word, “gylt,” meaning crime. Very interesting that it says, “the fact,” and that the word itself, means crime. This means that one should only being feeling guilt if they truly DID do something wrong. As for the true guilt trip, often a frequent activity for some mothers and religious institutions (ie: Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt,) it is a combination of one trying to impose a set of rules, obligations and fears upon you (sometimes their own personal needs,) that are put in such a way to make you think these fears/obligations are now your responsibility as well. This spawns a feeling of wrong doing, or crime, and thus guilt--a guilt that isn’t yours to bear. THAT is a guilt trip: a manipulative ploy; an imposed reality that doesn’t really exist.

Basically, if you’re irresponsible and/or negligent, and someone calls you on it then that is guilt. If someone is pulling something out of their ass to make you feel lesser than, and push you into a position to do something for them, then they’re taking you on a trip. A word to the wise: guilt tripping should pretty much be impossible if you know where you stand in your personal responsibilities versus what your friends, work relations, or religious institutions want you to be responsible for. And as far as friendships are concerned, as hard as it is to admit to have done something wrong, the repercussions will last a lot longer then just apologizing and making amends the best you can.

Previously Published: IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

Dress For the Men You Want, Not For the Boys You’ve Been Getting.

By Tiffany Walker

Is it Valentine’s Day and you haven’t a Valentine to meet the day’s criteria? Well, maybe you should re-think your technique at attracting others. Consider the idea of the old saying: “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Well, what if you applied that to men (or whatever sex you’re after,) and dress for the men you want and not for the boys you’ve been getting? Sounds a bit obvious, but have you really ever sat down and thought about why you aren’t with the love of your life, or moreover why you attract what you do? My belief is that if you start dressing the part, the part will come to you.

I stumbled upon this concept one evening when I made plans to go out with some other single girlfriends. I wasn’t sure what bars we were going to hit, but I knew I wanted to feel a certain way when I left the house and that was my focus. The only outfit that called to me was this 50’s skirt, perfect black heels with ribbons, a wife beater, a little black ribbon as a choker and fake diamond earrings. I know, a bit retro and dressy, but when I put it all on I felt sexy and confident, and well, the way I wanted to look. Little did I know the destination that was decided upon was a bit of an Irish dive bar, and my friends were all in jeans. Yes, I had apprehension over not really matching my friends’ wardrobe, and not necessarily looking like the average bar hopping kind of girl, but I kept remembering that my outfit matched who I feel I am deep down when I shut out the society chatter of what is “cool,” and the outfit embodied who I would like to be more often. If I was dressier then everyone else then screw it—I felt perfect for me. With this confidence in mind, I forgot that I was wearing something “wrong,” and just sort of went with it.

The evening had a slow start with me standing in a sea of neo-hippie-grunge Hollywood-ites, but lightning struck when I was approached by someone that didn’t look like anyone else there… and this is what led me to my belief. He actually looked like my other half—appearance wise. And although he was on the young side, he was smart, sophisticated and witty like I like ‘em. The kicker is that it was my skirt that encouraged him to come over and make it the focus of his pick-up line! When I took a moment to reflect--most commonly known as a trip to the bathroom-- I was thinking about how I was actually feeling bad just moments before about how none of the neo-hippie-grunge wannabes wanted to talk to me—how stupid could I be??? I didn’t even want a neo-hippie-grunge boy, I want what I actually ended up attracting…and this is something that doesn’t normally happen. I normally would’ve shown up in the cliché trendy bar clothing, and end up having to weed out boys through meaningless, exhausting chit-chat just to get to the point where we both realize we aren’t a match. This approach of “dressing for the job you want,” so to speak, cuts to the chase. And there you have it. A new way of going out: Dress for that person you actually WANT to talk to.

When I left that evening I definitely took stock of my new findings. It may sound easy, but dressing the part requires multiple layers of thought than just throwing on clothes that make you look hot. The basic idea is that when you dress to go out you must make some decisions about who you are deep down, of course what clothes you feel most comfortable in and really make you feel like “you,” and lastly, you also want to think about what person you envision on your arm when you are this more focused you. This may take time before you get the hang of really exuding who you are and what you really want for yourself through your clothes, and thus attract that, but it will be well worth the time.

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED: IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

Confessions of a Waiter And Other Restaurant Secrets

By Tiffany Walker

For better or for worse, whether you’re at a T.G.I. Fridays or a Spagos you can’t help but be served. And although you go to a particular restaurant for food you can count on, I’m sure you have noticed that you can’t always count on the servers to be as predictable. You can only rest assure that the waiter must be unfortunately dumb, since waiting tables is a blue collar job, and therefore couldn’t be that hard to ring in your order properly and have it come out in a reasonable 20 minutes of cook time, right? I definitely agree that there are servers that aren’t meant to be servers due to the lack of the memory, organization, prioritization, speed, focus, empathy, charm, compassion, damage control, product knowledge, up-sell know how, psychological assessment ability, and huge kiss-ass skills that are required to wait tables. Yes, this is the list of skills that you may not have known go into taking your one order. It is a bit scary to think that the same skills needed to make a million dollar power deal are the same skills required to make someone happy at a restaurant for a quick bite to eat. Among writing this column, I still have to wait tables. I have bartended, cocktailed, and waited on people from Florida, Boston, New York to Los Angeles and I thought that I should confess some things about waiters and restaurants to make people more aware of one of the most difficult jobs one could put oneself through.

Fun Facts About Your Waiter:

•Most waiters are highly intelligent and resourceful, and have college degrees ranging anywhere from political science and biology to acting, some have even owned their own businesses. Waiting tables is something they fell into for the cash and low responsibility where they don’t “take the job home,” allowing more time to focus on personal ventures.

•“Everyone should have to wait tables once in their lives.” Is a common statement among waiters due to knowing that these people wouldn’t be acting up if they knew what it was like to deal with it on the other side of the table.

•Waiters walk 7 to 12 miles per shift depending on the size of the restaurant and the location of the kitchen. Often two shifts are worked in a day.

•Many waiters are indeed cynical and bitter! They are in constant battle for their dreams and the money they need to get them there, and the luck they don’t seem to have otherwise they’d be “there” already.

•Many waiters are foodies with fine-tuned palettes…. they DO make fun of those who order a steak or salmon well done, need ketchup or steak sauce for the expensive steak they just ordered well done, and the white zin that is needed to wash it all down.

•Even if you are a prick, your food is safe. Waiters will not seek vengeance on your food if you are an a-hole; however, they will wish you to burn in hell and/or a nasty accident on your way home. The same goes if a bad tip is left and it is silently resolved with the waiter knowing karma will come back on the paying guest 10 fold.

•Waiters are only able to keep about HALF of the tip you leave. That’s right, your waiter must tip those that are helping them (including busser, bartender, host, expeditor in the kitchen,) which is 45%-50% of the gross tips received. This means that 15% doesn’t quite do the trick anymore, and most waiters will go the distance hoping you appreciate their hard work in 20% form at least. The “Thank You” tip doesn’t pay the rent by any means. Waiters’ sales and tips are now heavily tracked for tax purposes, so every penny of the tip is appreciated, and averagely a waiter makes about $12 to $17/hr. Also know that waiters get taxed off their sales, so if you don't tip at all the waiter is taxed on what you ate regardless. And that is on top of tipping out what wasn't received.

Things Your Server Wish You Comprehended:

•If you are at a restaurant that means you are not at a McDonalds, and quality food takes time to cook (20-30min), then add on coursing of appetizers, dinner, drink service, dessert service, and definitely consider how busy a place is.

•Your server is human, and needs some slack every once in awhile. Waiting tables means juggling in your head food orders and personal needs of each and every guest…constantly pleasing and smiling takes a lot out of you.

•If you can’t find your server they are in the kitchen begging for your food to come out. The kitchen staff isn’t always on the same page as the server, and sometimes the size of a kitchen can limit how fast food will come out, as well as accounting for how incompetent some kitchen staff are…many do not read English and speak little.

•Your server deals with hundreds of different personalities and needs in one shift. Yes, that's right. Your server will have potentially anywhere from 4 to 6 tables at a time with anywhere from 2 to 6, or more people on a table. Each with their needs and personality traits. The server also deals with all their fellow servers and managers/front of the house staff around them and their personalities and needs. The servers must then deal with the Kitchen/back of house staff and their personalities and needs and getting out of the kitchen all the needs needed. AND the server must adhere to what the restaurant sales requirements are to get through a shift. So think twice before verbally beating up on a server.

•If something is wrong with your food…SEND IT BACK when the waiter checks in! Being a pissy, hungry, martyr who was too afraid to say something until the very end of the meal doesn’t do anyone justice since waiters actually do care that you’re happy with what you’ve chosen to eat.

•Your server is always pushed by management to increase sales . There are sales techniques that each restaurant requires a server to do, whether it is name dropping of a brand or inquiring about bottled water, wine, coffee, dessert. Bare with the server…they would rather not say any of it at all.

•If you are not ready to order then don’t say that you are. You then affect everyone else around you including your own food coming out in a timely fashion. Ready to order means you have made decisions. It does not mean further discussing with your party and intense reading of the menu.

•If you are high-maintenance, verbally abusive, touchy feely, or patronizing- tip for it! This means at least a 20%, if not a 25% tip, or greater.

•Never pull the “Do you know who I am?” card….you’ll get less service then you’ll ever know.

·Cell phone services at the table, means no waiter services. Yes, if you are on the cell phone we will walk away even as you are trying to order tap water to wet that busy running mouth of yours. There are some waiters that will actually do the opposite and will get right up in your face to indeed get a drink order…just to make you aware.

Previously Published: IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

Let the Guy Keep Your Underwear.

By Tiffany Walker

It is a little embarrassing, but it happens: you can’t seem to find your underwear after a tryst. You call your beau and ask if he knows what happened to them, and with a grin you can see through the phone, he goes into detail on how he hi-jacked your panties into his pant pocket after removing them from you. No big deal, so you think, since you will be seeing your man again soon. The problem arises when your guy acts like a confused a-hole, and you realize you shouldn’t ever date a younger guy and you won’t be seeing this person again—ever.

This is when you start to feel a little bit of a panty withdrawal amongst other pangs of hurt. Thoughts run wild through your brain to disguise your frustration with the guy’s actions: “Those were my favorite pair! Geez, it is so hard to find underwear with no seams that can go under clothes so nicely like that pair.” Anger starts to build since one, you actually were into the guy and had no idea he would end up behaving like a confused kid in college; and two, you hate the fact that your favorite pair of underwear are now a souvenir, and may be thrown out shortly.

I must admit having such a hostage situation takes the steam out of feeling depressed by the true issue at hand of being poorly treated. So, you decide to take a stand for yourself and coolly call up your ex-lover and request the panties back since why have a perfectly good pair of hard to find panties be thrown out along with the budding relationship?

The only thing is that you make that call without realizing the repercussions. The minute you start talking to the guy you realize that maybe you ventured into getting your underwear as a ploy to see him again to maybe jolt some sense into him and “win him over.” Or you start feeling yourself have this anger over ever meeting him. Or both.

Basically, you can get your underwear back all you want, but it certainly won’t be the victory you thought it would be. In fact, it is the exact opposite. You don’t even want to wear the underwear anymore because it reminds you of the confused guy and being tripped up by him. You think you need to re-train your association with the underwear and wear them to special events and on new dates to shake that man out of your panties so to speak, but to no avail.

It is far better to let the guy keep your underwear. What’s done is done. Trying to jumpstart a dialogue with someone who is confused about his life and actions is like trying to do sign language with a blind person. And really the best “repercussion” is for him to come across them again, and take it from there.

I’M A WOMAN AND AM SICK OF DEALING WITH CRAZY BITCHES!!!

By Tiffany Walker

  There I said it!  I so wanted to be that woman of the Gloria Steinem brigade through and through, but alas I cannot, and I must sound the alarm out of pure frustration with my own sex, and even myself sometimes. I definitely believe women have, and continuously bring, higher levels of work capabilities to the job than most men, and are an asset to any job; however, the problem lies in their inability to JUST DO THE JOB.  The personal drama, the mood swings, passive aggressiveness, and the manipulation that is let loose on the job has got to be put in check. The fact of the matter is that more and more I am seeing women do too many things that sabotage their credibility, and by default, other women around them, not to mention tear at the bridge that was forged so diligently by focused and brazen women before us.

  This is not to say that men don’t have their own annoying traits that make dealing with them quite a chore.  There is the overly aggressive, slightly chauvinistic, type-A personality that can just light you on fire the minute you disagree.  Or there is the “hands on” perv that can turn your stomach with just a whiff of his cologne.  So yes, in all fairness both sexes can cause you to have a twisted day in various ways.  What makes women more difficult to deal with is the extent to which they bring their psychological drama, their psychosis, to the forefront.  This is going beyond the known census that women are tougher on other women in the work force, because they know how much a woman can take.  I’m talking about pure psychological ailments that are a detriment to the work environment, and inevitably hinder work performance, and customer relations.

  Take the personal drama that can be brought into work such as the boyfriend who appears to be cheating.  All would be fine if it were briefly brought up, condolences spoken by all near by women and men, and then all moved on in their daily duties; but that is not what happens.  What does happen is that a whole day is devoted to conducting a mock trial where all evidence is submitted with a Murder She Wrote flair.  The day comes to an end in tears and the resolution to leave the bastard; only to discover the next day she missed a crucial piece of evidence, his alibi, and that it was all her fault.  She will never doubt him again….until the following weekend occurs and yet another problem with the boyfriend ensues.  Yes, a whole day, maybe even several, can be wrapped around this saga.  

  Then there are the mood swings.  The out of nowhere responses to a simple inquiry that somehow was perceived as said in a harsh manner, or wrongly brought up at all since the woman in question is so “perfect” at all she does.  I know everyone has experienced that moment of feeling like Sybil just entered the room, and you have to make quick decisions to diffuse the situation.  It can be even worse when you are a woman and attempting to climb the Sybil volcano of the office.  If you are approaching a woman of Sybil-ism, you can’t just ask something in a straightforward business tone to be quick and get on with things.  You have to make sure you speak in the “female,” higher-pitched, sweet tone; otherwise out of no where your Sybil will ask why you are mad at her, or what is wrong to warrant you to yell at her in such a manner.  Literally, because you didn’t speak in an expected “female” way, you are now considered an angry bitch.  It’s as if there is this intra-racism between women that is like this Loch Ness Monster of the work place.  Needless to say, hopscotching around Sybil turns into one more obstacle to deal with in an already busy work day.

  Then last, but not least, the manipulation and passive aggressiveness with which women think they are so covert--like they’re James Bond with these verbal gadgets of intricate design.  You know the routine, instead of just saying what she would like, you’ll find your manipulative Mary of the office posing a heartbreaking situation as to why you should do what she wants, or she poses how she is helping you out by you doing what she wants.  You fall for it a few times, because you were raised to be loving and giving, and do unto others as you’d wish done unto you…then you start noticing this pattern with her, and see a glee when she gets what she wants.  You watch as she walks away with these devious eyes that look like she just negotiated this million dollar deal when all she did was get you to work a crappier shift than the shift she was taking from you.  You get angry at first, because you think she is just plain selfish, but than you start to wonder if she is actually psychologically imbalanced when it happens day in and day out.  Your manipulative Mary may just be a sad case of someone who has such low self-esteem that she thinks she can’t just ask for a favor.  She is trapped by her own hate of self, and tries to relive her childhood psychological ailments even now when she is 25, 30, 50, or whatever the age.  This scenario is one that you almost can’t even address without a grief counselor on standby.  So you just play that one by ear.

 

What about passive aggressive Patty?  Well, she’s got similar style to manipulative Mary, but Patty prefers wearing leather and lace underneath, and make no mistake, this James Bond is out to kill for her country.  Passive aggressive Patty might approach you the same way as manipulative Mary, but instead of breaking down if she doesn’t get what she wants, Patty has other ways to make you pay for not helping her.  You will find Patty can become quite stubborn around you, and may just get resentful, which then leads her to being a little vindictive vixen.   She spins her disappointment from inner self-hate, as manipulative Mary would do, into an outward blaming of whoever didn’t do her justice.   It can get messy getting through your work day when one is spinning so much venom against you for something you may not have even known you did wrong.  Your 9 to 5 job somehow turned into Survivor, but without a million dollar prize, and all you can hopefully “win” is your back without a knife in it.  When dealing with passive aggressive Patty all you can really do is to stay the course; at some point she will find a new covert assignment will arise, sweeping both her and her aggression away from you.  

  I am sure I have missed a few scenarios, because let’s face it, for each woman there is a beautifully unique time bomb waiting to be unearthed.  I am not excluding myself from this discussion either.  I am actually frustrated with my own Achilles heel that comes about from time to time, and cripples my ability to function at an optimal capacity.  It is painful to come to terms with being a woman on many days.  However, some type of acknowledgement and responsibility needs to come about on a larger scale.  I am not saying there should be a rigid, non-compassionate work place, but I am advocating women should step out of themselves from time to time, and take a good look at what they are about to put out there for others to bare during working hours; be more aware of who is a co-worker and who is an actual friend willing to support one’s problems on a long term basis; and understand that their behavior affects (infests) everyone around them.  Simply, each woman needs to take responsibility for her inner workings and take charge—not the other way around, letting the inner workings work her over.

   

E-Mail Ebonics: A Tragic Phenomenon

By Tiffany Walker

  Is it me or has letter writing literally become LETTER writing?  I have come across many emails (since we all know “letter writing” is of a virtual matter now) that have taken on a shorthand that is troubling to say the least:   “I soure think u r bewtyfull.  And if u want i will soure have babys with u.” 

  Yes, this was an actual e-mail I received from an admirer, which I had to read twice before I could fully believe that this person thought I would seriously consider starting a family with him based on this email.  Have Ebonics penetrated our literacy so much that people don’t even know when they aren’t really writing intelligibly?  I gasp to even go there, but the truth of the matter is that maybe it should be pointed out since there are those, such as this gentleman, that actually think they will entice someone to connect with them with the skills they are presently utilizing.

  Please know that I definitely take into consideration the ever growing i-Phone/Blackberry and texting community.   I do recognize that there is this form of texting Ebonics due to the shear fact that typing and driving at the same time is difficult when it is also imperative to smoke, shift gears, and change the radio station in order to make typing and driving a little more bearable. What I do not understand is how this sort of texting Ebonics became okay for everyday emails that don’t involve portable machinery?

  My point here is that there seems to be a formality that has been forgotten when people get online and attempt to form new connections.  Respect is the forgotten formality.  Respect not only for the language that enables us to connect, but also respect in oneself to put the “best foot forward” when trying to forge a new relationship. 

  I just don’t know.  Maybe some people truly forget they are not in front of a person, where their body language, speech, style, etc...aren’t able to be used to present themselves.  All there is online is proper grammar, spelling, and how a sentence is phrased for someone to connect with another.  Online, people don’t have that instantaneous luxury of looking at the person to gauge the person’s speech patterns and what he/she is all about.

It is sad to think there are people who have no clue why they aren’t getting return e-mails.  So, with this article I hope to shed the light for some, and bring attention to the idea that although a thesis-like e-mail isn’t necessary to start a new friendship online, basic grammar and spelling (even just a spell-check before you send) are a must--especially if you are trying to profess your commitment to having “babys” with someone. 

 Previously Published:  IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

A THREESOME CAN LEAD TO SOME UNCOMFORTABLE POSITIONS...

By Tiffany Walker

  What is it with people’s obsession with the ménage trois??  I get that there is a little porn star in all of us just itching to come out when given the chance, but let’s be honest: most people can barely properly take care of one vagina in the bedroom, let alone adding another into the mix.  On the same note, I don’t think people really understand what having a third party involved means on a larger psychological scale.   I do contend that there are a few out there that can handle it and be the mega porn star, but for most of us it is a sabotaging booby trap (pun intended) to any loving relationship.  And yes, I know these things because I’ve had a couple of threesomes, and let’s just say I now definitely know I don’t need to have another.

  What am I talking about?  The illustrious ménage trois isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be?  YUP, that is exactly what I’m saying.  There is an unspoken catch 22 that arises—actually a couple of them--that can catch someone off guard to the point of regret.  First let’s clarify my angle to this topic, as there are several variations to the threesome.  My experience has been in the 2 girls and a guy scenario where it is an existing couple and I am “scouted” into the sexcapade.  So I have this outside perspective of the couple’s relationship, and no deep emotional attachment to the outcome; leaving me an interesting aerial view of what a threesome is and isn’t to all those involved. 

  My major finding:  you are probably more compatible with each of the people you’re with individually than they are with each other.  It is crazy to realize this sad insight right in the middle of the whole thing, especially when you go into something like this with these preconceived ideas of how “porn star” it should be.  You’re asked into this coveted activity and in the midst of it all you start to see signs of a deteriorated relationship right before your very naked eyes.  You start piecing together how they approached you and each of their personalities together, and you realize that you are the personality that is missing from their relationship.  You are the psyche that would make a better relationship for them both separately, but that isn’t possible…they need to just find other people to be with.  Then the jealousy creeps into the sheets that you’re all sharing…it is inevitable within a relationship.  This brings with it a dank air of silence and loneliness at the thought that a mistake was made, and that the fantasy of a threesome is just a fantasy. 

  I’m not sure if a couple thinks the act of a threesome all the way through before doing it.   Maybe they THINK they are so connected that bringing another person in would be a testament of their bond.  The funny part is that for them to actually decide to include another person into their intimacy is a significant sign that they really aren’t ready to be truly intimate with each other if they NEED this other element as the “glue.”  It is my gut feeling that the “healthiest” threesome to be had is when all three are not involved with anyone in the triangle, but since each person emotionally processes things so differently it would be hard to say for sure.  The hype, the hype….It really is just being able to say you’ve done one and letting the other person’s imagination run wild with what a porn star you must be, and allowing the to fantasy live on. 

 Previously Published:   IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

When You Don't Like The New Girlfriend...

By Tiffany Walker

  What do you do when a close friend takes on a new girlfriend who is clearly sketchy to everyone else, but sweet as kom qwat pie to your friend?  Should you sit back and watch your friend fall into an unhealthy love affair, or do you say something and risk looking like you are trying to block your friend’s happiness?  Well, take it from someone who screwed up a level of her friendship due to letting her thoughts be known, this is a delicate situation and you better plan your intervention wisely, and think twice before saying anything at all.

  I know it seems almost ludicrous to not try and protect your friend if you think danger is near, but when it comes to you trying to shield your friend of a broken heart, you are embarking upon a far more intricate spider’s web.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t alert your friend of his latest love interest’s suspicious behavior, but definitely make sure your words are compassionately phrased and well timed.  Even if you put forth how you’ve given the new girlfriend the benefit of the doubt many times, but her behavior just doesn’t ring true, your friendship absolutely changes no matter what your best intentions may be.    With me, my guy friend, we’ll call him Jimmy, is an extremely thoughtful person and upon letting him know my fears about said lover, he listened and even thanked me, but I knew by his protective, cleverly “pulling straws” responses, he was basically in a defensive mode on behalf of his girlfriend and he wasn’t quite able to believe the behavior I was concerned about.  Let’s just say that I walked away from the heated conversation feeling like I just lost a friend.

  Why shouldn’t you warn your friend of your misgivings if you want only the best for him (or her?)  Because it is everyone’s right to do what they gotta do.  Some, in order to figure out the next level of love they need for themselves, have to slip down the “Rabbit’s Hole,” so to speak, if that is what they think they need at the time—even if unaware they are slipping anywhere.  Basically, any which way you try, intervening too soon is when you risk looking suspicious, bringing up how you don’t trust the new girl or understand his lust for this new girl.  You could potentially draw the two love birds into bigger “love.”  Exactly what you want to avoid.

  As much as you feel it is your duty to protect your friend, it is also your duty to just be there when your friend needs someone to talk to when they’ve gone down a road that wasn’t the best road to take.  It is at that point that you slowly put your concern out there—when they actually ask your advice.  This is how you know if your friend is truly ready to see the whole picture.  On a side note, there is a part of me that wanted to write the article: “Listen to Your Friends and Ditch the Girl.”  When all is said and done, one should recognize their friends as these people who have been acquired over many years, staying close at hand for a reason.  If all of them are finding sketchy occurrences with a new lover, than that is something to take a look at.  Respect that friends might just know and love you better than this new girl says she “loves” you.

Previously Published:  IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

Why Bother With A Second Date?

By Tiffany Walker

As I progress in honing my dating skills, I find there is sometimes no point in a second date.  The times that I do commence in the “give-the-guy-a-chance” second date, I only really solidify the first thoughts I had, which were actually acquired in the first 15 minutes of the phone call before going on the first date.   I have begun to truly realize the large amount of time wasted, or rather, not used wisely, on trying to date someone that doesn’t empirically fit the lifestyle I just spent my whole life growing into. 

  The times I have dismissed that inner voice telling me that I’m just not feeling “IT” for this person trying to pursue me; I even squelch that little devil in me that wants to create such a phone tag phenomenon that the pursuer forgets whose turn it is and gives up.  All this to venture into a date- maybe even two or three- in order to find that special someone; the suitor of a lifetime…only to come to the conclusion that I should have listened to myself from day one….maybe even before I handed my number out. 

  When I think of all the people I COULD be meeting if I weren’t trying (hard) to mentally picture being with the person in front of me and talking myself into a date with them thinking, “You never know…”  It seems that one tries to rationalize away the notion that the lifestyle differences that already pre-exist between you and the perspective will somehow mutate into an exciting, everlasting love.  Why is it that we try to avoid the pure fact that if the person is say, a chain smoker, then they already have a different mindset than you to even have been led into smoking to begin with, and therefore has an essential mindset that won’t necessarily compute in your world? 

  On that note, I contend that there is always a sign within oneself, albeit subtle, that tries to save you from yourself.  I am not just referring to those tell-tale signs of compatibility such as smoking, I’m also referring to the OTHER subtle signs within yourself that crop up upon immediate interaction, which indeed let you know that something doesn’t quite fit, and no first, second or even third date can rearrange or erase these facts from your subconscious about the person and their lifestyle.

  I guess the bottom line is that why fight with that nagging inner-voice?  The person may just be the hottest, nicest person ever, but you are sitting through countless dates tolerating conversation that doesn’t work for you.  Or trying to make due with a lifestyle choice (that isn’t yours) that you think will begin to suit you somehow.  Why not trust that what you want is what you want?

  It seems to me that we are afraid of ourselves.  Moreover, we are afraid of trusting what our body tries to tell us to guide us into what we need and crave. What is odd is that somehow we all seem to equate rejection with loss, as oppose to opportunity.  Yes, the glass is either half full or half empty.

  I think it is actually selfish to try to date someone whom you already know you DON’T have the vibe.  You are holding up life for everyone involved from finding a lasting love, or fling, or whatever any one person is trying to get out of that particular time in their life.  All this in mind, I now try to date with the notion that everyone is truly perfect in their own way……but maybe perfect for someone else—nothing personal.  Basically, a second date isn’t always needed, and you may not even need the first.

 Previously Published:   IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

 

 

WHERE ARE ALL THE REAL GIFTS?

By Tiffany Walker

Every year you’ve probably noticed one less gift come your way from your family and friends until the year you realize you don’t really exchange gifts at all; just a call here and there.  At first you pride yourself in finally understanding that holidays aren’t about gifts at all, but about the health, love and joy of family.  This love is mixed with a feeling of spiritual growth in being able to detach from the materialistic world of bling bling, and warm fuzzy sweaters, and crazy chachkes, or chingaderas, or whatever word you use for those dust collecting gifts that people give when they don’t have time to think about it.  You think, “Ah, what joy to not NEED those childish things.  I’m just so lucky to have family who think of me to send a card and call.”

There are the following years where you still feel this basking glow of what the holidays truly mean and you take matters into your own hands, creating your own holiday bliss by just gifting yourself.  You at least get exactly what you want and in the right size.   Then the year comes when you wonder, “Where the hell are all the gifts, and cards, and calls?” True abandonment is reached in opening that one piece of mail you did get.  It is from your Grandpa—sort of.  The “card” is in a regular envelope and the card is not really a card, but something that resembles a year-end statement with brochure-like language to boot, summarizing your grandfather’s trials and tribulations throughout last year.   To add insult to injury, you see that he has copied it, signature and all, in order to send it to all his children and grandchildren.  What in the world has happened to even sending a card? When you think of Grandpa you think of the classic Christmas card with the small note of how proud he is of you, and maybe a $5 dollar check for you to buy something real nice for yourself.  It was the one thing you could count on.  Now, it is like it is an omen of what the world has come to.

Your adult mind has grown tired of rationalizing and understanding how life is bigger than holidays and gifts.  You finally get to the point where you can’t deny the fact that you have felt more and more abandoned every year.  It is sort of like the kid that is waiting and waiting for their mom to pick them up after school, and that sinking feeling as you watch everyone else drive away while you sit there in a heap.  You sink even more when, in addition to receiving no gifts, you see that you don’t even get calls except the quick 5-minute call from your mom.  The bigger question floods your brain as you sincerely ask, “Where are all the REAL gifts?”  What happened to the real gift of taking time out to think of someone and showing them how you care?  Yes, that could turn into the form of a material gift, but it is the thoughts of the person that lead you to the gesture that suits you, whether it is just a call or a card. 

All materialism aside, the art of gift giving is really about the time spent BEFORE you buy the gift, or card, or make the call.  It is all the little thoughts that BRING you to want to give a gift at all. This is the real gift I’m referring to, the pre-gift, gift--the gift that makes your ears ring!  

Previously Published:  IN THE SCENE MAGAZINE

Making Up Isn’t Always Necessary.

By Tiffany Walker

So you tried real hard to make the relationship work, and now you are trying really hard to make the post-friendship work, because….because….why??  I actually believe that you only delay yourself from healing and moving onward and upward from the breakup when you try to push this supposed newly found friendship.  I completely understand the many reasons that seem so legitimate, prideful, and gracious even, to remain in “friendly” contact with your ex.  Yes, I’ve said them all myself:  “We already know so much about each other that it would seem odd not to talk to him; I’m going to show him that I am a bigger person then he once thought of me in our relationship; I am friends with all my ex-boyfriends, because that is just the person I am.”  Every reason sounds so rational and adult, but is it?  In fact I would go so far as to say that it is a rarity to find a true and lasting friendship born out of the ashes of a failed relationship.

Why this is so is because it is not that often that a break-up is done mutually, and done on such a (loving) level where partners acknowledge accurately what did and did not work for them and thus salvage the friendship out of it all.  What does end up happening is that one person is left hanging and they put on the “I’m okay,…..really” face and continue to torture themselves every time they have to put on their game face to interact with their ex.  They do comprehend that the other person wasn’t a fit, but there wasn’t quite enough tangible evidence to truly solidify the reason.  This hanging person then tries to salvage something not knowing exactly what can come about, or if it is really what they need in their life.  And there you have it.  People don’t stay friends with ex-lovers unless they want something, subconsciously sometimes, whether it be just trying to find better closure, or trying to get the lover back.

So how can you and your ex tell if you are part of the chosen few who can successfully manage a post-breakup friendship?  There are several tests that I feel can help you gauge where you’re at.  Right off the bat you can already see warning signs if every time you know you may potentially run into your ex you get into a panic to look your best—better—then you ever had when you were dating.  Maybe a sweat begins to come over you as you think of the happiest, cheerful face you can think to put on?  When these little things happen your body is trying to let you know that there are other agendas going on in your mind that you are trying to step over.  One other test, the best one in my book, is whether or not you can discuss dating other people.  Do you get an irk in your stomach when you hear about your ex out on a date with another?  Do you get a vengeful glee when you tell him about how well you were treated by this new beau out on a date?  Or maybe you are afraid to mention a new lover since you know she has shown signs of still have feelings for you?   These couple of tests, and I’m sure there are others, really will let you see the red flags and know if you are capable of handling such a friendship.

Time will tell, but maybe with all this in mind you may save yourself some mental anguish and realize that if the relationship didn’t work out to begin with it means that there was a missing friendship already, and the friendship you think you are now trying to create…. really isn’t meant to be there--never was--otherwise you would still be in the relationship. 

Previously Published:  In The Scene Magazine  

Does Sarah Palin Really Think She Is Some Hero?

Now I am not some political mastermind by any means, but something seems very disturbing about Sarah Palin. Purely on business savvy alone, her resigning is ridiculous. I saw the interview she gave for Good Morning America while she was fishing... Her reasoning for resigning was due to all the extra scrutiny Alaska has come into since the Presidential race, the lawsuits for which "they won't find anything." In conjunction with the state's lawsuits, there are apparently personal lawsuits her and her husband are facing that could go on and on bringing them into bankruptcy. She is basically resigning because she wants to avoid dealing with it all. She spun her words saying that until she leaves, Alaska can't get anything done for their constituents. That is when her lame-duck/ riding the system diatribe came into play, making her seem like some hero for all Alaskans...for all Republicans? By her usual po-dunk shortness and phrasings she really does believe she has outsmarted the system.

It would be one thing if it were only say, 3 or even 6 months left in her tenure, but 18 months?? A year and a half of public service she was hired to perform--people had faith in her to render? All because there's a little more checks & balances from the rest of the country? COME ON! That is exactly what she was hired to do. Anyone can handle things when they are running smoothly. It is when the going gets rough that separates the men from the boys and demonstrates one's character, skill and know-how.

Boy, if the fellows at GM or Chrysler could be so lucky, or for that matter President Obama, for all the mess and scrutiny that has come around for them and the companies they run. Yes, all states, and the country, are essentially companies to be run, budgeted and guided through thick and thin; for better or worse.

As for reports now coming out about how Ms. Palin resigned for her family and how women have to make choices...it is B.S. She personally said nothing of the sort in the interview I saw, where Kate Snow, the reporter, used kid gloves with her and let Palin control the interview to speak freely without really being stopped and questioned.

Palin is no contender for President, or Vice President, or even their secretary. She has proven with her actions how she can't weather the storm. It is a shame. She missed a pristine opportunity to prove to her adversaries that she has the perseverance and tenacity to warrant being in any position of high authority, much less running a country.